I hate taking pills. But I guess I have no choice with this pregnancy. Hah I’m blogging all this so that the lilone will know in future what mum had to go through for him/her. Call it emotional blackmail… keke… evil mum-to-be.
Anyway, the clinic assistant called this morning to check on me and whether my bleeding had stopped. Such good service from Dr Fong’s clinic. She also informed me that my blood tests showed my progesterone levels yesterday to be at 127, definitely within the acceptable range. I’m glad at the news but also very puzzled at the same time. If my levels were good, why did I bleed yesterday? The clinic assistant didn’t understand either. And was the liver-tissue like crescent-shaped thing really just a clot? It was the size of half a palm. I’ve never seen a clot that big. If only I had taken a photo to show Dr Fong. After the bleeding, my morning sickness has also gotten much better. Could that “clot” have anything to do with my symptoms?
Honestly I just cannot understand the unfolding of this whole pregnancy sequence. Nothing makes any sense at all – Right from the size of the foetus to my period, my fertility meds and my bleeding yesterday despite high progesterone levels and the weird looking “clot”. Depending on how you look at it, you can view such inexplicable developments as a show of God’s hand of miracle. Or you can just remain suspicious and skitterish.
I alternate between the two. I want very much to see it as God’s miracle. The genetics test on the fourth month will reveal more.
Dear Lord, forgive your servant for times when she doubts you. Please know that it’s because she is unsure of your will for her this moment and also because she is sometimes haunted by memories of lil hannah leaving. Lord, I know that You are the God of the Universe and life and death are all in your hands. Death, to you, is not necessarily a bad thing, even though as mortal creatures, we fear it. I guess I’m just fearful that your good will would be to take this foetus home as well. I’m not sure if emotionally I would be able to take it, even though all your decisions are good and perfect. Forgive me if my prayer to you stems from fear rather than faith. Teach me what it means to have faith in such circumstances, while bearing in mind that death is in your hands and therefore good and perfect despite the pain it brings. Teach me what faith means Lord.
Is faith an unswerving trust that this baby will 100% definitely be well and carried to full term with no defects? Is that what faith is? Or is faith simply resting that You are in absolute control thus be it 50% defect or 90% defect, I should trust that you will see everyone through all circumstances that will arise? The charismatics preach the former type of faith. I’m not entirely convinced their interpretation is correct because even your servants in the Bible suffered badly for their belief in Christ. Even bad things happened to them.
So maybe faith is defined by the latter description, where despite any bad circumstance that may befall, we should still believe you are good and love us and will see us through. That really calls for a total surrender of our own will and desires to a passive acceptance of your will. As the Muslims say, “It’s Allah’s will” – is that the type of faith you desire of us? If that were the case, how do I pray for this pregnancy? Do I pray for health ? Or do I pray, may your will be done? It angers me somehow to think that I should just passively accept your will, without any regards to my own desires. You took Hannah home early, prematurely. Would you take this lilone too? I know that I’m just a puny vessel saved entirely by your grace and thus have very little say in what happens to me. Yet I know you are a God of Love first. I can trust in Your Love. So even if you wanted to take this lilone home, Your Love is still in absolute control. I know that concept cognitively Lord. I just don’t know if I would be so rational on the emotional front.
It hurts and scares me to think what this pregnancy might hold in the next few months. I can’t imagine going for the full foetal organ scan in the fifth month because that was when we first saw poor hannah’s deformed body. My heart still cries when I think of the discomfort she must have felt, a discomfort and genetic deformity brought about by our bad genes and lack of good health. It was good that Lord you took her home early to save her from more pain. I’m just scared Lord to face this pregnancy, fearful of a repeat of the first one. Hold my hand Lord, snuggle me under your wings of protection and whisper words of comfort and love into my ears Lord. Assure me that no matter what, I will never fall beyond your grace and love.
I feel as if I can’t pray with confidence for a good pregnancy because you didn’t give me one the first time round, despite my prayers. How can I now believe that prayers will be effective in ensuring a good pregnancy? Yes, prayers keep me connected to you, despite the circumstances, but prayers do not ensure a good pregnancy. Am I wrong to think that?
Help me Lord. Help me in my ignorance, weakness and pride. I submit myself to you for there is no one else I can turn to in my confusion and fear. Only You alone can satisfy, if you choose to. I’m so utterly helpless.
