Did I mention?
Baby M is due on 24 June 2008.
Looks like confinement is going to be during the hottest period of the year.
Baby M. 2.1 cm 21 November, 2007
Inbetween dizziness and bad morning sickness, I’m thankful to the Lord for this life He has borne in me, a miracle gift to us.
Yes, Baby M for Baby Miracle.
Yesterday’s second ultrasound scan showed lil BB to be 2.1 cm, approx 9 weeks old. As we watched its little form, attached to the upper part of my uterus, my heart melted when it started wriggling as Dr Fong pressed the scanner on my abdomen. So little, yet it wriggles! It was a sight I could not forget.
Watching lil BB wriggle was especially precious to me as we had never seen or felt Hannah move due to her swollen condition. So when I saw the lilone fidgit, the feeling that overcame me was indescribable. It’s so beautiful to watch your baby move while in the womb – it looked almost like a sign of health to me. A sign from God that this baby is well.
Sometimes I do fear that all the medication and IUI procedure we underwent unknowingly, might have hurt the lil one and affected its development. But still, no point worrying. Mum reminds me again and again that I have to truly rest in the Lord and that can happen only when I touch the throneroom of God in praise and worship. Yup my hope and trust is truly in the Lord alone. What can I do but stand and watch His deliverance?
Lord, help me to please you even in this journey. Let me grow in faith and godly wisdom and let me grown in love for and fear of you.
Miracle Baby 17 November, 2007
I felt better after coming to terms with the gnawing fear that sits deep within me regarding this pregnancy. As mum says, Fear is only natural after what happened to me the last round. But what is important is I must not allow that fear to roost for too long. Each time it comes to me, I should choose to reject that fear in the name of Jesus and instead rest in the Lord.
And then I received an sms – “Miracles are possible if you believe”
Yes and I do choose to believe in the miracle of God for us. I vividly remember Dr Ben Tham telling us that our chances of conception are so low, that it would be a miracle if we did. And indeed we did, without IUI! Now why should I deny the miracle status of this conception?
I’m not trying to be brave. I’m merely trying to tap into a higher reality through the eyes of faith.
Hah… maybe I’m trying to be brave.
The morning sickness is back and the dizziness from the progesterone pills are really affecting me. I’ve unilaterally decided to cut down the dose for the time being. Hopefully my body is working to produce its own to sustain the pregnancy. My bloodtest on Tues will tell.
Still can’t believe I’m 8 weeks pregnant. That means 1 more month and I’m past my first trimester. This is a miracle baby. Yes, it’s a miracle straight from the throne room of God.
A prayer of confusion 14 November, 2007
I hate taking pills. But I guess I have no choice with this pregnancy. Hah I’m blogging all this so that the lilone will know in future what mum had to go through for him/her. Call it emotional blackmail… keke… evil mum-to-be.
Anyway, the clinic assistant called this morning to check on me and whether my bleeding had stopped. Such good service from Dr Fong’s clinic. She also informed me that my blood tests showed my progesterone levels yesterday to be at 127, definitely within the acceptable range. I’m glad at the news but also very puzzled at the same time. If my levels were good, why did I bleed yesterday? The clinic assistant didn’t understand either. And was the liver-tissue like crescent-shaped thing really just a clot? It was the size of half a palm. I’ve never seen a clot that big. If only I had taken a photo to show Dr Fong. After the bleeding, my morning sickness has also gotten much better. Could that “clot” have anything to do with my symptoms?
Honestly I just cannot understand the unfolding of this whole pregnancy sequence. Nothing makes any sense at all – Right from the size of the foetus to my period, my fertility meds and my bleeding yesterday despite high progesterone levels and the weird looking “clot”. Depending on how you look at it, you can view such inexplicable developments as a show of God’s hand of miracle. Or you can just remain suspicious and skitterish.
I alternate between the two. I want very much to see it as God’s miracle. The genetics test on the fourth month will reveal more.
Dear Lord, forgive your servant for times when she doubts you. Please know that it’s because she is unsure of your will for her this moment and also because she is sometimes haunted by memories of lil hannah leaving. Lord, I know that You are the God of the Universe and life and death are all in your hands. Death, to you, is not necessarily a bad thing, even though as mortal creatures, we fear it. I guess I’m just fearful that your good will would be to take this foetus home as well. I’m not sure if emotionally I would be able to take it, even though all your decisions are good and perfect. Forgive me if my prayer to you stems from fear rather than faith. Teach me what it means to have faith in such circumstances, while bearing in mind that death is in your hands and therefore good and perfect despite the pain it brings. Teach me what faith means Lord.
Is faith an unswerving trust that this baby will 100% definitely be well and carried to full term with no defects? Is that what faith is? Or is faith simply resting that You are in absolute control thus be it 50% defect or 90% defect, I should trust that you will see everyone through all circumstances that will arise? The charismatics preach the former type of faith. I’m not entirely convinced their interpretation is correct because even your servants in the Bible suffered badly for their belief in Christ. Even bad things happened to them.
So maybe faith is defined by the latter description, where despite any bad circumstance that may befall, we should still believe you are good and love us and will see us through. That really calls for a total surrender of our own will and desires to a passive acceptance of your will. As the Muslims say, “It’s Allah’s will” – is that the type of faith you desire of us? If that were the case, how do I pray for this pregnancy? Do I pray for health ? Or do I pray, may your will be done? It angers me somehow to think that I should just passively accept your will, without any regards to my own desires. You took Hannah home early, prematurely. Would you take this lilone too? I know that I’m just a puny vessel saved entirely by your grace and thus have very little say in what happens to me. Yet I know you are a God of Love first. I can trust in Your Love. So even if you wanted to take this lilone home, Your Love is still in absolute control. I know that concept cognitively Lord. I just don’t know if I would be so rational on the emotional front.
It hurts and scares me to think what this pregnancy might hold in the next few months. I can’t imagine going for the full foetal organ scan in the fifth month because that was when we first saw poor hannah’s deformed body. My heart still cries when I think of the discomfort she must have felt, a discomfort and genetic deformity brought about by our bad genes and lack of good health. It was good that Lord you took her home early to save her from more pain. I’m just scared Lord to face this pregnancy, fearful of a repeat of the first one. Hold my hand Lord, snuggle me under your wings of protection and whisper words of comfort and love into my ears Lord. Assure me that no matter what, I will never fall beyond your grace and love.
I feel as if I can’t pray with confidence for a good pregnancy because you didn’t give me one the first time round, despite my prayers. How can I now believe that prayers will be effective in ensuring a good pregnancy? Yes, prayers keep me connected to you, despite the circumstances, but prayers do not ensure a good pregnancy. Am I wrong to think that?
Help me Lord. Help me in my ignorance, weakness and pride. I submit myself to you for there is no one else I can turn to in my confusion and fear. Only You alone can satisfy, if you choose to. I’m so utterly helpless.
Quite a morning 13 November, 2007
It was a double shocker for us today.
First I woke up to a panty stained full of blood. Then as I was washing myself up, I saw a huge lump of tissue, kinda liks a small liver, in the bathroom. My heart stopped for a moment, worried that that tissue could be our foetus.
Is this the end of our joy? My parents and in laws would be so disappointed.
As we drove to Dr Fong’s for an emergency checkup, tears welled up as worry took over my consciousness. I struggled to focus on the Lord’s promise and the Lord’s character and goodness. But it was difficult as a million doubts crossed my mind. The unforgettable sight of the lump of tissue was at the fore of my thoughts. Mum & Mary kindly accompanied us to Dr Fong, despite mum’s injured arm.
The second shocker came when Dr Fong scanned my womb and found that the foetus was 1.8 cm – that means it was at least 8 weeks old. I saw and heard the heartbeat too. Hmm… according to my IUI date, the foetus should be only 5 weeks. There can only be one explanation – the lilone was conceived in Sep, even before the IUI procedure. Is that possible, considering that our chances of normal conception was almost zilch? Even more baffling, my period came in October, despite the pregnancy. Could it have been spotting instead? IUI in October could have affected the pregnancy, PLUS my progesterone levels were low, yet the foetus was still sustained in the womb. Mindy, the clinic assistant said it was a miracle and Dr Fong smiled saying, “Someone up there must be looking out for you.” The foetus was in the correct position. Not too high or too low in the womb.
Still there is latent fear in my that something could be wrong with the foetus, explaining abnormal growth. I keep thinking of BB Hananh and her genetic condition. Dr Fong assured me that there are no medical conditions that would cause accelerated growth, such that a 5 week foetus looks like an 8 week foetus. If there were, I would be the first in the world. When I didn’t laugh at that joke, he quickly said, “That’s a joke. It’s not possible”.
Despite my worries, I can’t help but also think about God’s hand on this pregnancy. Its sustenance must surely mean something. It’s like God had willed for this child to be born, and nothing can thwart His plans. Wonderful. My previous post reminds me of the times God has spoken to me and assured me of His Love and Faithfulness and Promises. I cannot lose sight of that.
And you know what? My morning sickness is vastly reduced this morning. That’s inexplicable too.
My Trust is in the name of the Lord 11 November, 2007
My blood tests have confirmed that we’re pregnant. That’s the good news. The not-so-good news is that my progesterone levels are a little low and I’ve been put on a higher dose of progesterone pills and jabs (once every 3 days). That means more drowsy spells for me this first trimester.
With the morning sickness afflicting me, the reality of our pregnancy is hitting home. Maybe all that exposure to new-borns these past few months have stimulated my body to take up the challenge of motherhood 
S.V has been really supportive and I’m grateful that she’s taken me off heavy work duties so that I can rest more. She told me to take all the rest I need. Betty too has been most encouraging, willingly taking over my duties, even if it means more work and stress for her. I’m grateful for this supportive group of colleagues. Even “Christiano”, the man up there, has taken me off my travel assignments without batting an eyelid. I thank the Lord for such a good work environment.
I find myself craving more salty carbs these days because they help me to settle the nausea and churning stomach. Eating 6 small meals a day seems more agreeable too as I feel full easily and get hungry easily.
The one fear I have deep within me is that this baby would not grow well… like Hannah. I think it is a natural response, especially after the painful episode with lil hannah leaving us. But still, what can I do? What would it benefit me to think about fears? Sure it’s hidden deep within my heart – I cannot confess to be full of blustering victorious faith that “no weapon formed against me shall prosper” and that all will be well. If anything, my very low progesterone levels are an early indication that this might not be a smooth sailing pregnancy.
And yet, I want to blog, to put on record that I thought I heard from the Lord twice.
First, on the day of my hCG jab, 22 Oct, I heard a very quiet small still voice deep within my heart that said, “If the Lord grants you successful conception, He will see you through all the way.”
The second time I heard the same voice was when I saw lilnat being pushed out of the delivery suite on 8 Nov. “The Lord will see you through this pregnancy, just has He has seen them through theirs”.
On hindsight, he did send someone to encourage me before I went on my IUI procedure. Rinda, a colleague, suddenly popped by my cubicle a few weeks back and asked me if I was trying again for a baby. She then shared that she was 3 mths pregnant. She encouraged me to believe that all things were possible and I shouldn’t give up trying. I felt then too, that the Lord was speaking to me through Rinda.
So … the final analysis is – despite all my fears, and medical test results, I will myself to focus on the Lord’s promises. I choose to place my trust in His Word and His Promises, rather than medical facts or medical histories. It will not be easy but I have no one but Him to rely on. I cannot have both Him and my doubting fears. They simply cannot co-exist. I have to choose between them. And I choose to listen to that still small voice that assured me of God’s faithful presence.
Mum brought up an excellent point of consideration. Even as I claim that I trust in the Lord, can I truly rest in Him at the same time? Many people claim to trust in Him but find it difficult to rest in Him. That’s not trust.
So I am determined to rest in the Lord. All the advice given by the doctor – I will take note and take precaucations but I know ultimately that our pregnancy is sustained by the Lord and Him Alone.
Help me Lord. Help me to remain undivided in my focus on you.
Showers of Blessings! 8 November, 2007
Just one day after my good news, we welcomed the much anticipated arrival of my nephew. This lilone wailed loudly at first, and when everything was settled, he started looking around curiously, kicking and stretching his arms and legs. What an alert lil’ fella. Isn’t he a darling?
My brother is over the moon and my SIL looks relieved and happy that everything went well.
The Lord is good. Praise His Blessed Name. Almighty Lord, continue to bless this baby with your love, joy and peace. Even in his infancy, let him experience the comforting presence of your holy spirit. Guard over him and charge your angels to protect his coming and going. Let him be a blissful and contented lilone. Thank you again Lord for your faithfulness in seeing the whole family through this wondrous event. And Lord, just as you have been faithful to protect this family, I know you’ll protect me too. Praise your name. In Jesus Name, Amen.
+ 7 November, 2007
I woke hubs up from his slumber and showed him this result. He smiled and promptly went back to sleep.
Nothing comes inbetween him and his 40 winks.
But still I know he is pleased. So am I.
But I’m still not absolutely sure that this isn’t a false positive. I must test again at the end of the week, and then call Dr Fong to tell him the good news!
Thank you heavenly Father. Thank you.
6 November, 2007
Mum smsed me yesterday to ask if there was any good news. Told her I would only test in mid-week.
It’s mid-week tomorrow.
Side effects 4 November, 2007
Finished my course of progesterone yesterday. Glad that it’s over coz the hormone pills were giving me very uncomfortable side effects like nausea and stomach upsets. I also felt constantly hungry.
I told Hubby that I would most likely do a test on Tuesday but he told me to wait till Friday. Reason: Preg test kits were not cheap… so giving myself more time would mean more certainty that the test wouldn’t be a false negative.
I only hope I can wait.
Maybe fear of failure would cause me to procrastinate. The cost is a small issue.
Then again if Aunt Flo pays me a visit this week, I wouldn’t have to test at all. Who knows.
