Pitfalls 29 October, 2007

I was so sad to hear that B & F’s IVF attempts ended up in twin ectopic pregnancies. As a result, F had to have one of her fallopian tubes removed. Fotunately she was still able to keep the other one.

This journey towards having babies is fraught with so much obstacles and every day new unexpected pitfalls may appear to further rob you of hope.

 Sigh…

As the days go by, I hold my breath in abated anticipation. I think I can only relax and breathe more easily on the week of 3 November, where I can finally test to see if the IUI was successful.

10-15% chances of success. That’s not a lot is it?

My brother encouraged me to try 10 times, and the chances would then be 100%. Hmm… cute idea, but I wonder if probability really works that way.

Doctor has ordered me to rest a lot and not be involved in strenuous activities. But with the amount of commitments on my plate currently, how can I rest more? The only thing I can do is to walk slowly, try not to run or take the stairs unnecessarily, sit whenever I can. I do hope this little that I can do will help increase my chances. The last thing I need is the guilt that my commitments and hectic shedule have prevented the embryo from embedding itself successfully. 

I thought of a name. If our baby is a boy, we’ll call him Jeremiah, exalted of the Lord. I do want him to be someone who is devoted heart, soul and mind to the Lord’s work. But if it’s a girl, we’ll call her…. haven’t thought of a name yet. Nothing in particular has caught my eye.

In the meantime, I’ll be contacting an adoption agency to find out more about adoption procedures and challenges. I’m glad that at least we’ve come to terms with our options. Sure we’ll try via natural means and fertility treatment. But if this fails, adoption is a good option too – at least we’ll be spending money to help provide a home to a baby whose parents can’t afford to keep him/her. And yes, I think our family is more than happy to extend love and care to an adopted child.

Mum asked if I was willing to adopt an Indian or Cambodian baby. I’ve not really considered that before… but it’s food for thought.

O Lord, all things in your perfect timing.

… 23 October, 2007

The procedure was relatively painless. Now we wait.

23 Oct 2007 23 October, 2007

It’s IUI day.

Will this be the first of many more to come? or will it be the one that results in successful conception?

I have no idea.

Still it feels oddly wonderful to be here, at this moment.

21mm 22 October, 2007

… the size of my follicle today in my right ovary – this means there’s an egg in that follicle that’s ripe for ovulation.

Got the jab to stimulate ovulation. Tomorrow we will begin IUI in the afternoon.

There’s something buoyant about seeing the follicle that might hold the egg that would potentially develop into my baby. I felt as if I was looking at my baby. To me, the follicle looked like a beautiful perfect circle of hope. Even Dr Fong said it was a beautifully-shaped follicle. keke…

Although the chances of successful impregnation is about 10-15%, depending on the sperm and egg quality, we figured it was still worth the try, even if it means we may have to try for a few consecutive months.

Somehow I know that if the Lord blesses us with pregnancy this time round, He will carry the baby through all the way. If we’re not successful, then we’ll try again and wait patiently for His timing.

To me, seeking fertility treatment is a sign of faith, rather than a lack of faith, as some would think. I can’t explain it. But I just feel that if I believe God will bless, then I must do all I can to move towards that dream. My actions show my faith. But I need to think more about this. I still can’t explain why action is a sign of faith while inaction is a sign of lack of faith.

12mm 18 October, 2007

There’s something about infertility that makes you wonder if insisting on trying for a child is necessarily a good idea.

I mean, why should I propogate defective genes? The same genes that caused us to develop fertility problems are probably going to be passed on to my child, if I have one. Why would I wish that on the next generation?

Wouldn’t it be easier and safer to adopt?

It’s a weird thought, I know. But it has certainly crossed my mind, though I have no answer to it. I put the idea across to someone once, and he thought I had gone bonkers.

Anyway, my follicle today is about 12mm. Dr Fong wants me to return on Monday (4 days from now) for another measurement. Hopefully it would have grown large enough by then to stimulate ovulation. Then we can try for insemination. I do wish I had taken a photo of the follicle. Imagine if the egg from that follicle was successfully fused with a sperm… would have been nice to know which follicle gave rise to the egg that eventually became our baby.

Clomid has caused my uterine wall to become thinner… so I’m onto yet another hormone pill to increase the thickness of the wall. This hormonal balance thing is driving my pimples up the wall. My beautician has been asking me about my breakouts. I seriously don’t know how to reply her.

This morning I blew up top at hubby for not telling me his medication had ended. It was a small matter actually, but I was worried that stopping his pills would cause his condition to deteriorate… it was not right of me to become angry, especially when he has been impossibly stressed from both school and work. I do realise that if I can be ruffled by such a small matter, I’m probably taking this fertility thing too seriously for my own good.

She came. 11 October, 2007

I’ve never been so glad to see Aunt Flo. haha…

Finally my menses came, but not without medication help from Dr Fong. And it came on my birthday – a gift from God I guess coz I had been praying and asking the Lord for His Help, apart from medication.

So I’ve started on Clomid yesterday, Day2 of my cycle. Let’s see what’ll happen on D10 when I go for my ovary scan.

I’ll continue clinging to the Lord and relying on His mercies and timing.