All in His good timing.
Don’t fret or frown.
Expend your energies more productively elsewhere.
It’ll come when it’s time to come.
waiting 16 September, 2007
Period still not here yet
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Can’t start on clomid
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No ovulation
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Can’t start on IUI
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Can’t try for pregnancy
30+ 5 September, 2007
Yay!
My womb has shrunk in volume from 100 to 30+ (I forget the unit used). Dr Fong informed me that this should be the size of a normal womb. I didn’t realise my womb was 2.5 times larger than it should be. The culprit: Adenomyosis and (probably) an overabundance of oestrogen in my body.
This was the best piece of news I’ve had in the whole month (August included). I’m just so happy that Lucrin finally had an effect on me. All the hot flushes I endured because of the effects of Lucrin suddenly seem like minor inconveniences. I still mind the hair drop, but hey, I can live with that.
When I sat in Dr Fong’s office, I was a little worried that the scan would show an enlarged and unresponsive womb, like the last time. But relief swept over me when Dr Fong broke into a smile at my scan. I felt a gentle sensation of pleasure warm my heart.
Hubby is convinced that the herbal constipation tablets were the culprits that blocked the effects of Lucrin. Lesson: Chinese herbs are powerful.
We have the next 6 months to try for a baby before my womb returns to its normal size. (So unfortunate that the good effects of Lucrin are not permanent). We’ve opted for IUI.
I’m given Clomid to induce ovulation and overcome my PCOS problem. Apparently timing is everything and I have to ensure that I do this and that, take this and that, on specific days of my menstrual cycle. When I looked blur at all the instructions, Dr Fong assured me that the nurse would write all the instructions down for me.
They didn’t in the end… but I remembered. So I quickly jotted them down before I got all the days and things to do mixed up.
Well, I thank the Lord for helping me all the way. I still cannot be sure if we would get pregnant from this treatment, but one step at a time. No point worrying.
Actually for the past one month, since my upset at a still-enlarged womb, I’ve had relative peace of mind regarding this issue. Probably because I prayed about it then and I felt the Lord’s comforting hand on me. He’s in control.
I don’t pray everyday for a baby because I feel that this would cause me to be obsessed over the issue. I don’t need that. I still have a life to live and work to be done. Life is much bigger than being reproductive or fertile. I understand that clearly now. Whether I have a baby or not, I’m still loved and valued by everyone around me and I’m still complete.
I know that I’ve already placed this request in His Hands, and in His timing, He will bless us. I don’t have to keep reminding Him. In fact, the act of constantly reminding Him might make me unnecessarily “kan cheong”.
I tell hubby that we can always adopt in future. Some may think I’m afraid of failure, and that’s why I’m trying to console myself with alternatives. Maybe? But I doubt it coz I feel I’ve come to terms with my condition and more importantly, my condition no longer determines my self worth or my sense of well being.
I’m happy. I’m truly happy. If we never had a child, yes I would feel disappointment and a little sad, but I would still be joyful and have the strength to live each day to the fullest. In life, we don’t always get what we want – but it doesn’t then mean that life is bad.
Life is still good because God is good. And His presence in my life completes me.
That is enough.
