My old friend called again.
This time, in all well meaning, she suggested that there was something wrong with my marriage, and that was why we were not blessed with a child yet.
Of course her suggestion was couched in very gentle tones, flowing with concern and care. She said she was continually praying for us, and for some weird reason, she just had this very strong “burden” for me. Usually when a christian says “burden”, he/she’s trying to say that the Lord has impressed upon and revealed to him/her that the said party (which is me) has an issue.
I listened to her patiently out of respect. One can never get too overconfident about one’s life. I may be blinkered to some details in my life that require a neutral third party to point out, even if that third party knows next to nothing about my personal life. Well it is special revelation from the Lord…
She asked if I could find time to meet up with her for a chat. I freaked out. Whenever she springs these “burdens” thoughts on me, I automatically feel fear deep within me.
The first time she did this to me, I was in University and she said she saw me with coffins. Then she had suggested I was doing something very wrong in my life and I had repent or do something about it. It sure didn’t help that I had just begun a relationship with my boyfriend, a relationship that not many people approved of because he had just broken off with his gf not too long ago. In fact, I found out later that some did see me as the third party. So I was feeling confused about all these, and then she tells me she sees me with coffins. Can you imagine how my little immature confused mind took it? Fear and paranoia gripped me for days. Was God going to curse me? (Of course I was NOT the third party…still, I was feeling beleagured then) But I later rationalised that if this was truly a sign from God, as my old friend claimed, then I would not feel fear. Rather, I should feel sorrow.
No wait, that was not the first time. There was one other incident even before this that really grossed me out. But I won’t go into details.
Then not too long ago, at the beginning of this year, she suggested spirits and satan being the cause of our infertility. And now in August, 8 months later, she has “deep burden” that my marriage, unknown to me, is on the rocks and I need to sort through deep seated emotional issues with my husband, break through the barriers between us, before the Lord would bless us with a baby.
Whew. It’s never nice to hear such messages. Sometimes I secretly feel that she’s a test sent by God to train me in differntiating between His voice and the voice of the devil. But at least I take comfort in the fact that they come from a place of concern rather than malice. She genuinely does care for me.
When I told hubby about what she said, he told me sternly to restrict my conversations with this friend to only 30mins per month. I burst out laughing. He looked at me sternly and said, “I’m serious. She has a history of delusion and hallucination. How can you allow what she says to affect you?”
Actually I’m not really affected by what she said because of the experiences I’ve gone through and the maturity I’ve grown into these past 1 year. I think I can handle what she said and not be thrown into fear and paranoia like I was in Uni.
In a weird way, I feel that I’ve been with this friend throughout her growing years. She’s ranted at me on the phone whenever she’s angry, she’s cried when she’s hurt, she’s spoken in arrogance and indignation whenever she feels she deserves better etc. In a way, I’ve been there with her through each milestone as she recovers from emotional and psychological hurts. She’s even been in spiritual bondage before but she’s walking her way out of it with the help of God and her mentor.
Sometimes I feel that all she’s saying about me, comes from a projection of her own issues. Meaning: She’s projecting her own understanding about her emotional turmoils on me. She’s now at a phase where she’s learning to release all the past pain and hurts and to disallow those from hurting her. And unconsciously, she projects that on me and analyses that Hubby and I are probably facing the same problem. I think the fact that I can listen to her calmly about this matter, without flaring up, shows that I’ve already ironed out my own personal issues a long time ago.
She talks about leading me in my christian walk. Sometimes, I think I would fear being led by her. For now, I’m just content to be her sounding board. A listening ear for her to sort out her own issues.
I just pray that her words would not come back to haunt me in my weaker moments.
Lord, I uplift her and myself into your hands. Help me to see you through her. If she is indeed a mouthpiece from you, then let your words remain in my heart. If however what she says does not originate from the Holy Spirit, then let it float away with the wind. Protect my mind and heart with your precious blood and holy Word. Keep me in you always. In any case, I know I’m safe in your hands, not swayed by the passing winds of careless talk. Yet let me remain humble always, ready to listen and learn. In Jesus Name, Amen.
