It’s 8 Jan 2007 today but the traumatic experience of losing Hannah on 27 August 2004 remains fresh on mind as if it were only yesterday.
But I’m not here to gripe because God has been faithful to us 
Throughout this period, despite discouraging news from our gynaecologist about our almost zero possibility to conceive, the Lord has kept us emotionally strong.
True there was a period when I just felt totally down and I just felt like giving up hope. Fresh tears sprung to my eyes each time I saw a pregnant woman or when someone discussed baby matters within earshot.
Then someone whispered the “A” word to me.
Adoption.
A thought I had not even considered. A word I never thought I would have to be associated with.
It was unthinkable at that point and I had snapped back ungraciously at the kind-hearted soul who I know realise was gentle but being very realistic. More importantly I now recognise that this person loved me enough to bring my attention to the possibility that I might have to take this path eventually.
She had lovingly taken on the unpleasant task of forcing me to face my options realistically; because of that one word, I was compelled to confront a truth that I had never wanted to really see: we might be childless the rest of our lives.
Ironically as I struggled with the thought of Adoption, God began a healing work in my heart. Real deep inner healing. This was in early to mid 2006.
I had carried deeply hidden hurts throughout 2005, which I wasn’t even aware of.
But as I thought about Adoption, I began to surrender myself to God more completely.
I told the Lord,
“Lord, is this truly your will? But I want to have a child. I don’t want someone else’s child. I want my own child. But not my will but yours be done.”
It is still a difficult prayer to make these days. But whenever reluctance rises up, I allow my faith in God’s Goodness and Perfect Plans to guide my decision to surrender this part of my life to Him.
True I want my own child… but if my Lord has other plans for me, then I just have to trust that His plans are better.
I tell myself that it is a blessing to be able to bring another human being up in the way of the Lord. That’s how I console myself.
But we are not taking the Adoption path as yet.
Recently a blogfriend and his wife introduced me to a Chinese doctor and a reproductive specialist.
So 2007 signals a fresh journey for us as we seek alternative remedies for our condition.
“O Lord, we entrust ourselves to your loving and perfect hands. We are open to adoption but until we hear from you clearly on this, we will continue to try for a baby through natural means. We will take care of our healths and we will do everything within our ability to maintain healthy reproductive capabilities. But we recognise that the choice to bless is still yours. And a baby will be a unique gift from your very hands.
Lord, have your way… but empower us daily to face this waiting period with faith, strength and hope. In the meantime, let us be servants of the Almighty and bless all those around us. Thank you Lord. In Jesus name, Amen.”
